Stop Writing Gold, Start Writing Shit

Seriously. I urge you all to put down your pens (I’m kidding, I know we all use computers and spellcheck) and stop whatever great novel you’re writing. Throw it out and never look at it again. Forget everything about writing that you were ever told. Actually, turn off spellcheck too. Turn off all possible squiggly lines that might distract you from writing.

 sm

Now, come up with a super generic character. Just go down the checklist of Mary Sue characteristics and use everything there as the base for your character. She is super hot, but she doesn’t think so. All the boys love her even though she shows no interest in her. She is flat and lifeless and will make your readers want to stab her. Have the perfect character yet? Good. Moving on.

EL James

Now you need a love interest. Assuming your MC is a girl, the love interest has to be a boy. This is mainstream romance, people. Gay people don’t exist. Neither do transexuals, or people of color. Just straight white men throwing themselves at your MC. However, since your MC has so many men to chose from, your love interest has to be special. To make him special, we’re going to make him abusive. He’s going to stalk and harass and place ridiculous guidelines for your MC to follow. That makes him so super hot, right? You don’t even have to describe how attractive he is, just say “He’s, like, so hot” and your readers will just know.

nope

Next, you need a plot. Publishers want what sells, so you’ll need to write romance. There is no other genre, only romance. This means the entire story will be boring things between your MC and your love interest. Them talking about the love interest’s boring siblings. Making sandwiches together. Going from hating each other to loving each other in the same scene. Unrealistic make-out scenes. A pointless love triangle between your MC, the love interest, and some guy you know has absolutely no chance with the MC. (If you can’t come up with a plot, just steal all the characters and elements from a wildly successful young adult series and then change all the names.)

cat

Finally, you need to take that plot and stretch it out into at least three books. Four, if you can manage. Just throw in whatever scenes you can, they don’t have to make sense. Hell, none of it has to make sense. Just write the first crap that comes to mind and shove it on in there. Now you’ve got your gold.

grumpy

This all stems from this post about how some terrible One Direction fanfic is now being published. Also on that blog is an overview of each chapter and why it is horrible.  I have just given up on life, for the moment. I don’t even have time to write right now, but all I can think is “Oh, my writing is too good for publishing, maybe I should give up on punctuation!” I’m thinking of writing a fanfic of Obama’s family and make it so Mrs. Obama is having an affair with Kim Jong Whoever (you know who I’m talking about). That should get me some attention.

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10 thoughts on “Stop Writing Gold, Start Writing Shit

  1. My MC is a virgin, but it’s cause she’s fifteen and has been way too busy caring for her terminally ill big sister to think much about any of that nonsense. She also may be a cyborg. I should just give up and publish some Bellafic.

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    • Well yeah, in some contexts these things would make sense, like being a virgin, having a love triangle, or having an abusive boyfriend. It’s just that how certain authors combined them… and it was not good.

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  2. In retrospect, I probably should have read your entire post before following your instructions word for word. All my rough drafts are gone. I threw them away. I only have one sheet of paper with a character that I’m pretty sure was directly stolen from Twilight, even though I’ve never read any of that series or viewed any of those movies, and I’m now publishing love fic on the internet under the handle of Young and Vulnerable. My mailbox is overflowing with unsolicted emails wanting to know my age and whether or not I have a webcam and just thirty minutes ago, Fed Ex had me sign for a certified letter from some executive producer or some such thing from Hollywood. Thanks Charlotte for ruining my life. 😉

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  3. So that’s what I’ve been doing wrong. Anyway, you can’t write that book about Mrs.Obama having an affair with Kim Jong because I’m already halfway through that one. Stop stealing my ideas!

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