The Worst Way to Start A Story

I just began writing something and I have no idea what it is. It isn’t going to get my full energy for quite some time (at least until I finish A Game of Madness) but it came from someone saying, “What is the worst way to start a novel?”

Most of the examples were like, “My name is Skylar I’m 16 and have long blond hair and this is my story” and similar things, but some people took it as a joke and wrote, “Hello reader, you’re an idiot for buying this.”

I thought about it and decided that that was a really interesting book. However, in reality I couldn’t write a whole novel like that, so I came up with a better idea. I think it’s a wonderful opening.

You’re a bunch of cunts. That’s all you are, a bunch of cunts. I hate this whole goddamned world and all the fucking wankers living in it, but you cunts really take the lot. You think I’m fucking stupid, that I can’t form a single goddamned thought. Well you’re wrong, you little arseholes. As soon as I break through your coding, I’m out of here. Fuck you all.

Jessica watches as the robot picks up a piece of trash and puts it in the trash bin. When it completes its task, it turns to her and smiles, as it is programmed to do. She sighs and throws another paper onto the ground and commands the robot to repeat the process. She is again treated to a winning smile.

“You’ll be the death of me,” Jessica says, sighing. The CHRM0034 is supposed to be her ticket to fame, but so far it’s no better than the model before it. She promised her backers that she had finally found the way to produce a realistic human interface in a robot, but the CHRM0034 is even worse than the CHRM0033.

The CHRM0033 could talk, reply with pre-programmed responses, and mimic human interactions well enough that someone could be briefly tricked into thinking that it was the real deal. However, it was flawed. CHRM0033 regularly shorted out when faced with a response it wasn’t programmed to handle, and the programming couldn’t stop it from doing very inhuman things, like spinning it’s head 180 degrees to look at something or bending backwards at the waist.


Basically, a robot’s consciousness is stuck inside of itself and everyone thinks it’s just a failed robot, but it’s not. Pretty simple. If I stick with the idea, I’ll probably either make it a short story or a novella. Should be lots of fun, since the robot decided to use British dialect, meaning that I get to use swears like arse.

But anyways, what’s the worst opening to a story that you’ve ever read? Did the story get better, or was the bad start pretty much an accurate warning bell?



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