Sigh

Minor warning: This post may contain very adult themes such as the ones explored in 50 Shades of Grey.

I am 50 shades of annoyed right now. For those of you who have missed this (and I would have had my favorite blogger not been on the case) there is a new 50 Shades of Grey. How, you ask? Didn’t the last book leave our couple married with children?

Well yes, indeed it did. So the only way forward was back, back to the beginning with a different character’s POV. Ladies and gentlemen, the abuse-advocating thieving terrible hypocritical idiotic brilliant E. L. James has come out with another book. Well, I don’t know if it’s actually out yet or if it was just leaked (as Midnight Sun was) but either way, it’s called Grey. As in, Christian Grey. As in the exact same stupid plot and stupid characters from 50 Shades, only E. L. James is hoping that women will pay to masturbate to Christian Grey’s side of their sexual interactions since they’ve got the pages of 50 Shades all stuck together. (Yeah, okay, so women don’t really stick the pages together like that, but whatever.)

The good news is that Grey seems even creepier when shown with his own POV than he did in 50 Shades. Honestly, I understand women wanting to read about something new and sexually exciting that was previously very taboo to talk about, but really? Did 50 Shades have to be that book?

At least Twilight can say that it accurately portrays how a lot of young girls feel while falling in love, but 50 Shades of Grey is a steaming pile of shit. Like, Anna goes in and gets a million dollars (or something like that) and stuffs it into a bag to pay a kidnapper. And the bank allows this. And doesn’t question it. When she isn’t even the account holder. It’s like a second grader was the one fact checking this during the editing. (Seriously guys, this actually happened. Wtf.)

If for any reason any of you are curious about Grey, Jenny Trout is going to read each chapter for us so that we don’t have to. Here.

If for any reason any of you want to read 50 Shades of Grey, Jenny Trout did the same thing with all three books. Here.

If for any reason any of you want to read the actual 50 Shades of Grey, don’t. The Boss series is a fantastic alternative that will give you the same sexy billionaire BDSM, but without the bullshit that has confused many a housewife. Here.

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Love is Obsession?

I admit that at 20 years of age I am not worldly or experienced, nor have I read all the world of literature has to offer. However, it seems like recently, there is a new trend.

Obsession.

Now, obsession isn’t new. It’s been used before and I’ve read it portrayed accurately: as a character flaw.

I love my boyfriend. I am not obsessed with him. I don’t follow him around, go through his phone, or read through his emails. I don’t demand to be with him any second of the day or threaten bodily harm to anyone who touches him. That would not be sexy. That would be creepy.

Only… is it creepy? 50 Shades of Grey, Twilight, Apolonia, and Viper Game. These are all fairly new books that have not love, not romance, but obsession.

Christian Gray stalks Ana, buys her a new car without her permission, and doesn’t allow her to see her male friends.

Edward watches Bella while she sleeps in addition to all the creepy stuff E. L. James stole for 50 Shades.

In Apolonia, the main character is the interest of two boys, both of whom want to follow her around at all times.

Viper Games, a book I’m reading right now, has a main character who is genetically enhanced to be pretty and sexy, and the male lead threatens to kill his own best friends if they dare touch her. Literally, touch. As in, handshake. He tells her not to seduce another man or else she’ll be responsible for their deaths and he doesn’t want that.

*Sigh* Soooo romantic.

Do women want this? To be obsessed over? Is love no longer enough?

Obsession: an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind

When a man obsessive over you, you are literally all he thinks about. There is no time for fun or games or work or personality, only you. That’s what the characters in these books are like and these books are flying off the shelves. What’s wrong with the market that this is what is selling? Is it something wrong with women? Have we been duped into believing that love isn’t enough, that we need fanatical devotion and obsession?

What are your thoughts on this? Is this a new trend, or just something I’m now picking up on?

50 Shades of Train Wreck

cxChristian and I dance around the Ball Room gracefully. By some grace of God, I don’t trip, even when Christian twirls me in a spin.

“Are you enjoying yourself, Mrs. Grey?” Christian asks, looking to his mother, who sits in the corner. Exhibitionism is his newest fetish. I hated it, at first, but because it was in our contract, I found that I couldn’t stop it from happening.

Mrs. Grey, of course, declines to answer. Christian made her sign a contract as well. She signed it, thinking highly of her son, knowing he would never trick her, but now she must not speak of what she sees, and she’s legally bound to endure our show. He’s so romantic like that, my Christian. So loving.

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You know not the level of my hatred for 50 Shades of Grey

Alright, folks. Cosmo is running a 50 Shades of Grey fanfic contest on Wattpad. Or something. Found out about it from here.

Because I do so love writing weird fan fics, I entered as well. I titled it “Train Wreck” because that’s just what it is. My boyfriend thinks I’m crazy now, but here’s my entry. If you want to assist in derailing the contest, feel free to write your own piece.

Stop Writing Gold, Start Writing Shit

Seriously. I urge you all to put down your pens (I’m kidding, I know we all use computers and spellcheck) and stop whatever great novel you’re writing. Throw it out and never look at it again. Forget everything about writing that you were ever told. Actually, turn off spellcheck too. Turn off all possible squiggly lines that might distract you from writing.

 sm

Now, come up with a super generic character. Just go down the checklist of Mary Sue characteristics and use everything there as the base for your character. She is super hot, but she doesn’t think so. All the boys love her even though she shows no interest in her. She is flat and lifeless and will make your readers want to stab her. Have the perfect character yet? Good. Moving on.

EL James

Now you need a love interest. Assuming your MC is a girl, the love interest has to be a boy. This is mainstream romance, people. Gay people don’t exist. Neither do transexuals, or people of color. Just straight white men throwing themselves at your MC. However, since your MC has so many men to chose from, your love interest has to be special. To make him special, we’re going to make him abusive. He’s going to stalk and harass and place ridiculous guidelines for your MC to follow. That makes him so super hot, right? You don’t even have to describe how attractive he is, just say “He’s, like, so hot” and your readers will just know.

nope

Next, you need a plot. Publishers want what sells, so you’ll need to write romance. There is no other genre, only romance. This means the entire story will be boring things between your MC and your love interest. Them talking about the love interest’s boring siblings. Making sandwiches together. Going from hating each other to loving each other in the same scene. Unrealistic make-out scenes. A pointless love triangle between your MC, the love interest, and some guy you know has absolutely no chance with the MC. (If you can’t come up with a plot, just steal all the characters and elements from a wildly successful young adult series and then change all the names.)

cat

Finally, you need to take that plot and stretch it out into at least three books. Four, if you can manage. Just throw in whatever scenes you can, they don’t have to make sense. Hell, none of it has to make sense. Just write the first crap that comes to mind and shove it on in there. Now you’ve got your gold.

grumpy

This all stems from this post about how some terrible One Direction fanfic is now being published. Also on that blog is an overview of each chapter and why it is horrible.  I have just given up on life, for the moment. I don’t even have time to write right now, but all I can think is “Oh, my writing is too good for publishing, maybe I should give up on punctuation!” I’m thinking of writing a fanfic of Obama’s family and make it so Mrs. Obama is having an affair with Kim Jong Whoever (you know who I’m talking about). That should get me some attention.

My Bookshelf: The Bride

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Title: The Bride

Series: The Boss, Book #3

Author: Abigail Barnette

Genre: BDSM Erotica/ Romance

Amazon Summary:
“After a tumultuous year, Sophie Scaife’s relationship with her boyfriend and Dom, billionaire media mogul Neil Elwood, is hotter and happier than ever. His sizzling Dominant side pushes Sophie to new and challenging heights of submission and erotic exploration as she follows her Sir’s every whim. But with his daughter’s impending wedding and a milestone birthday turning Neil’s thoughts toward settling down, Sophie faces a much different future than she’d planned.

Caught in a conflict between her new wealth and her desire for independence, Sophie fears she’s becoming just another Fifth Avenue trophy wife. With her fashion journalism career over and her new effort as a writer uninspiring, Sophie has to work harder than ever to prove her intentions to Neil’s family and friends.

Sophie isn’t the only one struggling to adapt to her new lifestyle. When private jets and designer labels threaten her bond with Holli, Sophie finds herself walking a fine line between the world she now inhabits and the past—and people—she fears she’s left behind. After a shocking revelation divides her loyalties, Sophie is in danger of losing her best friend or fracturing the trust of the man she loves.”

My Summary:
There are like 16 or so weddings ’bout to go down, lots of fighting (or maybe I just perceived it that way, but there was 1 or 2 serious arguments), a terrifying mention of barnyard animals… okay, maybe you should stick to the legit summary to know what’s going on. In three words: Hot kinky sex.

Cheers (possible spoilers):

  • The sex was lovely, as always.
  • I really liked that she pointed out the whole Neil-is-bisexual-so-he-could-love-men-as-well thing. It was just a good point.
  • The plot was okay, not nearly as compelling as the first book in my opinion.

Jeers (possible spoilers):

  • I know it’s kinda the point, but TOO MANY WEDDINGS. Not all 25(or so, forget their ages but they’re all the same)-year-olds need to be married. I feel like the book set a deadline on when it was acceptable for women to be married.
  • The fight with Holli was drawn out too much, I think. Especially when she ended up confessing that she knew the whole time that it wasn’t Sophie who got her fired. Like I would’ve never talked to Holli again for being such an irrational bitch. That’s an abusive relationship right there.
  • It just wasn’t as strong as the first two books. I think the author mentioned that it was supposed to be this book and the next book combined in one but there was too much material so she ended up stretching the plot a little thin rather than cramming too much in there together.
  • The handbag. Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

Would I recommend it?:
Still yes. While not as strong as the other books in the series, it was still a fun read. Lots of sex and all that jazz. There’s also a bonus scene between Neil and Emir at the end (though if you want to read that without buying it just look up “The Hook Up”, it’s free).

Amazon link:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Bride-Boss-Abigail-Barnette-ebook/dp/B00J8QG7BI

Author’s Blog:

http://jennytrout.com/

My Bookshelf: The Girlfriend

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Title: The Girlfriend

Series: The Boss, Book #2

Author: Abigail Barnette

Genre: BDSM Erotica/ Romance

Amazon Summary:
“Unemployed, blacklisted, and pregnant, Sophie Scaife’s life is totally upside down. Her relationship with publishing magnate Neil Elwood is on the rocks. Her best friend’s career is igniting. And Sophie is afraid she’ll make one of the toughest decisions of her life alone…

When a devastating diagnosis forces Neil to return to London, Sophie throws caution to the wind to follow her heart across the Atlantic. Keeping a scorching D/s affair as red-hot in sickness as it was in health is a challenge, even for two lovers as inventive as Sophie and Neil. But Sophie is more than willing to try anything her Sir commands, and their fantasies of control become a welcome refuge from the daily stress of illness.

While Neil’s wealth and privilege make adjusting to her new situation easier, Sophie finds herself rebuilding her life around an uncertain future. And while both of them face the changes between them head-on, they’re all too aware that their happiness may be fleeting—and Sophie could lose Neil forever.”

My Summary:
Cancer. The illness is cancer. Spoiler alert, they tell you right away. The couple you loved from The Boss is now struggling to face real-world problems and recognize that they care about much more than just having kinky sex.

Cheers:

  • Very good handling of cancer and how it affects your loved ones.
  • Fun to read. I just enjoyed the plot and enjoyed reading it through.
  • To make up for less sex, there’s lots of love. It’s more emotional in this book. Made me want to snuggle my boyfriend.
  • The sex is hotter. Just trust me, it is.
  •  I love how the pregnancy is handled. Again, how 50 Shades of Grey could have handled things and not made it an absolutely terrible plot device.

Jeers:

  • I really should have been studying for my Biopsychology exam this entire time but I was like no, I’ll just keep reading this, it’ll be fine. It will not be fine. I am going to fail.
  • Not as sexy as the first book. There is puking and chemo mouth sores and not as much sex. In my opinion, the story still works, but it’s worth noting for those looking for a less serious more sexy book.
  • I had to keep irrationally checking on my boyfriend to make sure all was well because I am terrified of cancer.

Would I recommend it?:
Yes, yes, yes. Myself and none of my loved ones have never gone through cancer, thank goodness, but this seems like an incredibly accurate view of the struggle to remain a normal couple when cancer rears its ugly head. Bonus: There isn’t a cliff-hanger. You don’t need to read the next book (which I will review when I get around to buying it) to feel complete.

Amazon link:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Girlfriend-Boss-Abigail-Barnette-ebook/dp/B00EN0NAB4

Author’s Blog:

http://jennytrout.com/

My Bookshelf: The Boss

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Title: The Boss

Series: The Boss, Book #1

Author: Abigail Barnette

Genre: BDSM Erotica

Amazon Summary:
“Sophie Scaife almost ran away once, trading her ticket to college for a ticket to Tokyo. But a delayed flight and a hot one-night stand with a stranger changed her mind, putting her firmly on track to a coveted position at a New York fashion magazine.

When the irresistible stranger from that one incredible night turns out to be her new boss – billionaire and publishing magnate Neil Elwood – Sophie can’t resist the chance to rekindle the spark between them… and the opportunity to explore her submissive side with the most Dominant man she’s ever known.

Neil is the only man who has ever understood Sophie’s need to submit in the bedroom, and the only man who has ever satisfied those desires. When their scorching, no-strings-attached sexual relationship becomes something more, Sophie must choose between her career and heart… or risk losing them both.”

My Summary:
Basically, a woman finds the sexy stranger she once had a one night stand with and they decide to hook up again. However, they have such chemistry that it’s hard to keep things casual. Also, the dude is totally her boss and super rich, so it’s super complicated to just be normal around someone who can afford to feed caviar to his dog if he so chose to.

Cheers (Possible Spoilers):

  • I love how Neil points out that a fuck-buddy relationship is still a relationship and that no one should feel used or objectified and no feelings should be hurt even though it’s not romantic. Fantastic point, in my opinion.
  • I love that Sophie is anti-baby. I feel the same way and it is GODDAMN ANNOYING when people are like “Oh, you’ll change your mind.”
  • Sex scenes are good. Just as they should be.
  • There is a good plot. It isn’t just a string of bedroom scenes put together with awkward failures of plot devices in between.

Jeers:

  • It’s too preachy about the “don’t judge people on their weight” thing. Once would have been okay without restating it over and over.
  • They smoke a lot of pot. I just look down in general at people who smoke pot just to be pot-heads because I’m a judgmental bitch.
  • This was written basically to give an example of how 50 Shades could have been written to not been a spectacular failure of a BDSM novel. And romance. And just a failure of everything. Sometimes the author goes too far in THIS IS HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE and puts in something directly opposite of something in 50 Shades just to get that message through. However, if you’ve never read her blog or 50 Shades of Grey I doubt you’d notice it.
  • The Kindle version I have has a few spacing issues, with new paragraphs starting in the middle of sentences. Doesn’t happen too often though and may be fixed by then. Also this was a free (legal) download, so I’m not complaining.
  • Ends in a way that forces you to want to read the next book. This is on the jeers list because as a poor college student I despise when I start reading something I don’t realize is a series.
  • The sex overpowers the plot sometimes. This might sound silly, but the plot really mattered to me and so there were times that I read the sex scenes like BUT WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH THE MAGAZINE?

Would I recommend it?:
Absolutely. If you like romance, BDSM, and enjoyed The Devil Wears Prada, this was made for you. If you actually liked 50 Shades of Grey, read this to see how the book should have been handled. It was a fun read and despite being erotica, the plot didn’t get boring the second read through. The Boss is also free for Kindle/as an epub/as a pfd so it’s not going to cost you anything to try it out.

Amazon Link:

http://www.amazon.com/Boss-Abigail-Barnette-ebook/dp/B00ENTIAJM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1395705282&sr=8-1&keywords=the+boss+abigail+barnette

Smashwords Link:

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/348970

Author’s Blog:

http://jennytrout.com/