How to Write a Great Sex Scene

lol

Avoid the following.

 

“Like the lost catacombs of Egypt, only God knows where we stuck it.”

–Bloodhound Gang, “The Bad Touch”

 

“Squeeze me baby, til the juice runs down my leg”

–Led Zeppelin, “Lemon Song”

 

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

 

“Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

 

I’d forgotten this about her: she has the smallest, hottest mouth, as if she’s storing lava in her cheeks.

–Things to Make or Break by May-Lan Tan

 

They bucked like deer and squirmed like eels. And after that, vice-versa.

–Head of State by Andrew Marr

 

His penis found its way with no resistance, as if swallowed up into an airless vacuum.

–Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage by Haruki Murakami

 

“I’m going to make you cum tonight… (pause) over to my house.”

–B4-4, “Get Down”

 

Mandy looks at him with that face of hers and sighs. “Well that was my last cigarette you ruined, so you’re gonna have to entertain my now.” She using her finger and demands him to come closer. Billy cheeks turn red as he stands up and walks towards her. “Eat it like you would your yogurt.” Mandy then grabs his head and pushes him down.

This random fanfiction

 

This is fun‘ he gasps, resting his hands on her hips. ‘Glad you like it‘ she smiles, before bending down to him and kissing him lightly. She moves faster and faster and rocks harder and harder before coming in unison minutes later.

Another random fanfiction

 

…he makes me so hard I could hammer sponge into steel…

This is the most ridiculous thing

 

“Not until I say so boy.” Snape began to pound into Harry’s arse at a quicker pace than before and precisely hitting the spot-that-must-not-be-named. Harry’s hair continually flopped into his forehead as it became damp with sweat.

“Take me!” Snape need not do anything more than grabb the student by the cock and begin rubbing it down. “Ah!” Harry was caught off guard by the sudden pleasure and moaned a little too loudly.

the most amazing fanfiction ever

 

I am seriously dying from that last one. I just randomly picked fandoms on fanfiction.net and looked for rated “M” stories for these. I was like hmm, better include a Harry Potter one. So glad I did. The entire thing is that ridiculous.

I got the rest of the scenes randomly from the net from looking up terrible sex scenes/similes/metaphors.

I hope you’re all having a wonderful weekend.

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I AM DONE

nonono

 

I CAN’T. I put that into Google and looked for any post of mine in the first ten pages and there was nothing. Someone actually typed that into Google and went beyond ten pages looking for these pictures to (I assume) touch themselves to.

Beyond that, WHY WOULD SOMEONE LOOK THAT UP? Does it look different when i—-t children are born than when regular children are born? Like I know that the stereotype is that they’re super duper deformed and stuff, but they’re not like Golem or anything.

 

My Bookshelf: Beauty Queens

download

Title: Beauty Queens

Author: Libba Bray

Genre: Young Adult

Amazon summary:
“The fifty contestants in the Miss Teen Dream Pageant thought this was going to be a fun trip to the beach, where they could parade in their state-appropriate costumes and compete in front of the cameras. But sadly, their airplane had another idea, crashing on a desert island and leaving the survivors stranded with little food, little water, and practically no eyeliner. What’s a beauty queen to do? Continue to practice for the talent portion of the program – or wrestle snakes to the ground? Get a perfect tan – or learn to run wild? And what should happen when the sexy pirates show up?”

My summary:
These girls are all vapid airheads who want to wear pretty dresses, or so you’re led to believe. They crash together on an island they assume to be deserted, assuming that help will arrive at any time. When they realize they’ll need to depend on themselves to survive, they pull together and show that they’re more than just pretty faces and have more to say than just what’s on their pageant scripts. Add some boys, bad guys, and giant snakes, and you’ve got yourself a fun time.

Cheers (possible spoilers):

  • EVERYTHING. SERIOUSLY. I LOVED THIS BOOK.
  • If you are a girl, you need to read this book. If you don’t understand satire, you probably shouldn’t, but seriously.
  • It relies on stereotypes in the best way. To say “these girls are just stereotypes” is insulting to all girls. Is it stereotypical for a girl whose mother was married five times to not trust men? It is stereotypical for a girl to fear her sexuality because her parents taught her to? Is it stereotypical for a girl to be pressured to be the perfect girl to the point where she snaps because the system failed her?
  • Basically all issues concerning women today are in this book. You might have to read it twice to get it all, but it’s there. Advertisers shaming women to get them to buy their product to look better, girls being called bossy for having opinions, people always blaming girls’ moods on hormones like we have no valid emotions, and how girls are taught to fear their sexuality.
  • It’s funny as hell. Some of it is satire. You have to understand that the author was not trying to make this realistic. Of course beauty queens aren’t going to crash on a dessert island, be targets for international weapons smugglers, all find themselves at the same time, and meet pirates. But she wasn’t trying to be realistic. She was trying to make people think while enjoying the read, and that she did.

Jeers:

  • Literally the only thing is that I think some people are turned off from the book because of how ridiculous the whole thing is. It’s still amazing like that, but some of the reviews on Amazon complain about how unrealistic it is…. which is kind of the point. Like, Miss New Mexico has an airplane tray embedded in her head for the entire novel. I don’t know how she didn’t die.

Would I recommend it?:
Yes. Yes yes yes. Go buy it right now. I guess you might not like it as much if you don’t like the idea of women being independent creatures with thoughts and talents and the same rights as men, because part of why I like it so much is how many issues it hits on. Also, it seriously was funny as hell. Obviously outrageous, but funny. It even ends in a dance number. (Yeah, she ended the book with a dance number. Seriously. Is she allowed to do that?)

Amazon link:

http://www.amazon.com/Beauty-Queens-Libba-Bray/dp/0439895979/ref=cm_rdp_product

Madness

This is a haiku
Because I hate this dumb class
Like, fucking-a man

Powerpoint slides, *dies*
I am incredibly bored
I need a smart phone

Forty-five minutes
Of graphs and correlations
IVs, DVs… Ugh

Participation
It is graded, so I’m here
No other reason

8% of grade
It’s totally not worth it
This class is torture

Forty minutes left
Will he notice if I leave?
Just sink through the floor?

If you are reading this
I have probably passed on
To a better place

My pillow is great
But Professor keeps me here
My bed weeps for me

I could be sleeping
Or painting a masterpiece
Or robbing a bank

Thirty minutes left
The wind is blowing fiercely
But that is outside… 😦

I think he’s lying
He didn’t take attendance
I could’ve just skipped

Professor comes near
Quick! Hide all evidence
Yes, I’m listening…

Is the fine worth it?
To pull the fire alarm?
I just won’t get caught

You! Girl who speaks now!
Shut your mouth, your question sucks
Brain cells crawling away…

Look, it’s a zebra!
Not really. I like zebras.
Stripe stripe stripe stripe HOOF!

I’ve put up a shield
In one ear and out the other?
No, I hear you not

Twenty minutes left
Endless agony and grief
Tetris would help me

Spiral, spiral, square
But what do the doodles mean??????
Negative pi- ELF!

Did you see the elf?
He just ran by in pink tights
No, I’m not on drugs….

So hungry, nom nom
I have eaten my finger
Desperate times, man!

Fifteen minutes left!
Marbles, marbles everywhere
Marbles should be pugs

My hair is slinkies
Not really, but I can dream
Hahaha, slinkies…

Stop staring at me!
Those beady eyes, that mean glare
Oh, it’s a trash can

I am a tea pot
Short and stout with a big knife
I can’t trust the scones!

Class, in summary
You all fail, epically fail!
Go be homeless now

I am almost free!
I shall make a break for it!
Anarchy!