How To Be The BEST Author Ever

So I’ve been an author for six months now and I think I can say without a doubt that I know everything there is to know about being an author. Since there is literally nothing left for me to learn, I’ve decided to be generous and share my vast knowledge with my lowly followers.

1. Stop reading!

Seriously, a lot of people will tell you to do the exact opposite, but don’t listen to them! Reading will only cloud your judgment and make your own novel worse. Do you want that to happen? NO. Not only that, but you might accidentally lift elements of that story and end up PLAGERIZING. You SERIOUSLY don’t want to do that, do you? And you waste so much time reading when you SHOULD be using that time for WRITING.

2. Make sure EVERYONE knows about your book!

Marketing is very important! If it’s not obvious that you have a book out when people visit your blog, you’re not going to sell any books! Make sure that there are AT LEAST three links to your book on every blog post, otherwise it’s like you don’t even have a book out. You should always ALWAYS always tell new followers/ commenters of your book and where you can find it. I like to use a copy/paste message with a link to my book on Amazon that I send to everyone who comments on, likes, or follows my blog! This is also a good idea on Twitter, to immediately tell new followers where to buy your book!

3.  Never accept a bad review!

Like I said, marketing is very important! If your book has bad reviews, no one is going to want to read them! You have to be aggressive and go after the bad reviewers, explaining how they’re wrong and telling them to either remove their bad review or change it to AT LEAST a four star review. NEVER accept a one or two star review. That’s career suicide!

4. Make up some Frequently Asked Questions to post an FAQ on your blog!

I understand that many of you starting out may not have enough fans to put together an FAQ, so you can just make some up! By acting like the questions you’re answering are asked a lot it will make it look like you’re more popular than you actually are and get people interested in you and your work!

5.  Always write for the market.

Being an author is a JOB. You’re in it for the money! If you write a book no one wants to read, you’ll end up under a bridge! ALWAYS write about whatever is currently trending. Right now, I’d suggest a vampire BDSM book!

6.  Make sure readers know what your main character looks like!

What is a story without a main character? NOTHING! Your readers NEED to know what your main character looks like, from the color of their eyes to that birthmark on their left buttock. The best way to do this is to open your book with your character looking in the mirror and describing everything they see! It’s both comprehensive and immediate, so your readers will start off knowing just what they look like down to the smallest details!

7. Don’t worry about consistency!

All you need is a good story. If your character loves lemons in chapter one but hates them in chapter ten, no one is going to notice! As long as the story goes on, it doesn’t matter if things are consistent as long as there is lots of action!

8. Make sure your story has an agenda!

You aren’t writing JUST to make money; your book has to SAY something! Whether it be about gay rights or abortion or feminist issues, make sure your book has a hidden agenda! Your book is useless if it just tells a story; it also needs an important lesson that will stick with your readers!

9. Don’t worry about your book cover!

You know the saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover”? It’s completely true! Readers don’t care what your covers look like, they’re only reading your description! Just look at these covers, and these books are published! [1] [2] [3] [4]

Alright, but in all seriousness, don’t listen to any of this advice. (Also, to be fair, books with terrible covers can sell [1] [2] but only if you already have a huge fan base and a bunch of books already out.)

How To Be Sarcastic

Those who care about the feelings of others need not apply.

Step One:

Start by adding comments like “Oh, really?” or “I never would have guessed!” after someone says something incredibly obvious. If the person does not realize that you are being sarcastic, continue making them explain whatever they have just told you while you listen with rapt attention.

Step Two:

Never give people a straight answer. If someone asks you how you feel after you broke your leg, for example, say something along the lines of “I feel spiffing! The doctors think that by next week I’ll be back on my feet and taming lions in no time!” The use of outdated language and over-the-top enthusiasm will ensure people that you are being completely sincere and are not at all insulting them.

Step Three:

Talk in a dead tone of voice. Never put any emphasis on a word unless issuing a direct insult. For example, “You wouldn’t believe how excited I am!” should be said in a flat voice, while “I can’t believe how interesting you are!” should have emphasis, so that even those with the thickest of skulls will realize that you are mocking them.

Step Four:

In the event of someone telling you that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, tell them that stupidity is the highest form of entertainment.

Step Five:

Tell people absolutely random shit. End the sentence with, “What do you think?” For example, if someone asks about the weather, reply with something along the lines of “It may be cloudy now, but I sense that a giant tornado will come and carry us to Oz where we may frolic in the sun with members of the lollipop guild. It’s going to rain, what do you think?”

Step Six:

Always use sarcasm in the presence of authority figures. This includes teachers, parents, bosses, and the police. For example, when asked if you were the one involved in hit and run case, reply with “No, of course it wasn’t me! His brains were all over my car, there was a positive ID on my license plate, and four witnesses saw me drive away, but it couldn’t have been me! I’m sure it was just someone who I happened to have all the above things in common with.”

Step Seven:

Once you have mastered the art of sarcasm, use it on a daily basis. Eventually, you will become so good at it that no one will ever be able to tell whether or not you’re being serious. For example, when your friend asks you about the game last night, and you reply that it was very exciting, your friend will roll your eyes and tell you not to be so goddamn sarcastic. What they won’t know is that you actually were excited about the game, and that you are just such a master that they’ll never know what you’re truly thinking.

Olé.

50 Shades of Train Wreck

cxChristian and I dance around the Ball Room gracefully. By some grace of God, I don’t trip, even when Christian twirls me in a spin.

“Are you enjoying yourself, Mrs. Grey?” Christian asks, looking to his mother, who sits in the corner. Exhibitionism is his newest fetish. I hated it, at first, but because it was in our contract, I found that I couldn’t stop it from happening.

Mrs. Grey, of course, declines to answer. Christian made her sign a contract as well. She signed it, thinking highly of her son, knowing he would never trick her, but now she must not speak of what she sees, and she’s legally bound to endure our show. He’s so romantic like that, my Christian. So loving.

Continue reading

Some Realistic Alien Movie Ideas

I’m watching Independence Day and I want to know why there aren’t any realistic alien movies. I’ve come up with some ideas for Hollywood.

  1. Aliens find Earth, act like friends, then slowly impose a puppet government over the entire earth to extract resources like America would do to any other planet.
  2. Aliens finds Earth, but they’re dumb as fuck. Basically alien teenagers who got lost at Alpha Section 6 and allow us to treat them like gods in The Road to El Dorado fashion.
  3. Aliens find Earth, they think we’re dumb as fuck. They treat us as completely insignificant and ignore us like ants.
  4. Aliens come to earth and refuse to acknowledge our world leaders. They’ll only talk to the idiot stoner they met upon landing and make everyone go through him.
  5. Aliens come to earth and bring a terrible disease. Accidentally kill us all. Feel really bad, but only as bad as Americans felt for killing all the Native Americans.
  6. Aliens come to earth fleeing a terrible sun explosion or something that destroyed their home planet. We impose a quota system and only let a few in each year. The rest chill in a ghetto on the moon.
  7. Aliens come to earth. They sneak up on a guy’s porch at night in Florida and get shot dead. Man goes free, we start a war with the aliens.
  8. Aliens come to earth saying the escaped from something terrible. There are too many of them so we end up capturing them and putting them in concentration camps. We experiment on them and kill most of them, and at the end we find out that they are actually humans from millions of years in the future, escaping an apocalyptic earth and unknowingly going back in time. We killed ourselves.
  9. Aliens come to earth, they’re not any more exciting than we are. Talk mostly about taxes and low military pay, and how private donors had to fund their space program to get them there.
  10. We go to an alien planet. There is bacteria and worms and not much else, but no oxygen to sustain us. Billions of dollars is spent getting an astronaut infected with Super Ebola to kill the entire planet upon his return.

Edit: My dad thinks that for 5 the disease should wipe out everyone but the Native Americans. “Everyone likes a revenge movie,” he said.

My Bookshelf: I’ve Got Your Number

good

Alright, this is not going to be done in my typical book review format. I got this book at Goodwill for maybe $0.50 or so while thrift shopping with my friend. The checkout girl saw it and was like, “Oh, if you read it and ever come back in here tell me if it was any good or not.”

I was like, “Sorry, I’m not from around here. I live in the woods. I have no idea where the fuck I am.”

She just laughed and thought I was like joking or dissing thrift shopping and was like, “Well if you ever do come back, be sure to tell me.”

So I got home and no one was home but my brother was planning to have friends over so I went to my room. I was bored and decided to start reading it because the blurb sounded interesting. And I finished it. Like without stopping for a pee break.

It was amazing. I’m not talking a literary revelation, but I absolutely love it and will be checking out the rest of this author’s work. It was funny and fun to read and romantic and suspenseful. I loved the characters and I just loved everything about it, really. I would recommend it to anyone.

Title: I’ve Got Your Number

Author: Sophie Kinsella

Amazon Summary:

“Poppy Wyatt has never felt luckier. She is about to marry her ideal man, Magnus Tavish, but in one afternoon her “happily ever after” begins to fall apart. Not only has she lost her engagement ring in a hotel fire drill, but in the panic that follows, her phone is stolen. As she paces shakily around the lobby, she spots an abandoned phone in a trash can. Finders keepers! Now she can leave a number for the hotel to contact her when they find her ring. Perfect!

Well, perfect except that the phone’s owner, businessman Sam Roxton, doesn’t agree. He wants his phone back and doesn’t appreciate Poppy reading his messages and wading into his personal life.

What ensues is a hilarious and unpredictable turn of events as Poppy and Sam increasingly upend each other’s lives through emails and text messages. As Poppy juggles wedding preparations, mysterious phone calls, and hiding her left hand from Magnus and his parents, she soon realizes that she is in for the biggest surprise of her life.”

Amazon link:

http://www.amazon.com/Ive-Got-Your-Number-Novel/dp/0385342071

 

How to Write a Great Sex Scene

lol

Avoid the following.

 

“Like the lost catacombs of Egypt, only God knows where we stuck it.”

–Bloodhound Gang, “The Bad Touch”

 

“Squeeze me baby, til the juice runs down my leg”

–Led Zeppelin, “Lemon Song”

 

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

 

“Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

 

I’d forgotten this about her: she has the smallest, hottest mouth, as if she’s storing lava in her cheeks.

–Things to Make or Break by May-Lan Tan

 

They bucked like deer and squirmed like eels. And after that, vice-versa.

–Head of State by Andrew Marr

 

His penis found its way with no resistance, as if swallowed up into an airless vacuum.

–Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage by Haruki Murakami

 

“I’m going to make you cum tonight… (pause) over to my house.”

–B4-4, “Get Down”

 

Mandy looks at him with that face of hers and sighs. “Well that was my last cigarette you ruined, so you’re gonna have to entertain my now.” She using her finger and demands him to come closer. Billy cheeks turn red as he stands up and walks towards her. “Eat it like you would your yogurt.” Mandy then grabs his head and pushes him down.

This random fanfiction

 

This is fun‘ he gasps, resting his hands on her hips. ‘Glad you like it‘ she smiles, before bending down to him and kissing him lightly. She moves faster and faster and rocks harder and harder before coming in unison minutes later.

Another random fanfiction

 

…he makes me so hard I could hammer sponge into steel…

This is the most ridiculous thing

 

“Not until I say so boy.” Snape began to pound into Harry’s arse at a quicker pace than before and precisely hitting the spot-that-must-not-be-named. Harry’s hair continually flopped into his forehead as it became damp with sweat.

“Take me!” Snape need not do anything more than grabb the student by the cock and begin rubbing it down. “Ah!” Harry was caught off guard by the sudden pleasure and moaned a little too loudly.

the most amazing fanfiction ever

 

I am seriously dying from that last one. I just randomly picked fandoms on fanfiction.net and looked for rated “M” stories for these. I was like hmm, better include a Harry Potter one. So glad I did. The entire thing is that ridiculous.

I got the rest of the scenes randomly from the net from looking up terrible sex scenes/similes/metaphors.

I hope you’re all having a wonderful weekend.

100 Things To Do Once You Finish Your Novel

That’s right. At the beginning of the week, I finished the first draft of Only in Whispers. It was amazing, it ended with scenes I never envisioned, and it made me realize how far my characters had come. It’s weird to not feel pressured to write constantly anymore, and whenever I’m on Facebook I think, “Shouldn’t I be writing?” before realizing that until November, I’m taking a write holiday. So weird.

Not only that, but I got my first royalty from CreateSpace for Kiss of the Fey! This is only my paperback sales since I accidentally published my eBook with a different email (so that it isn’t linked to CreateSpace), so that’ll be another $5 whenever they release that. I’m a published, paid author! And that’s enough for pizza!

Capture

Just so you all know, I still have a rafflecopter giveaway going on! I guess I’m terrible at giveaways, because no one has entered, so if you want a chance to win a free copy of Kiss of The Fey (and bookmarks!) click here.

Now that you’re all updated on my life, we can continue with the list.


  1. Tell everyone.
  2. Including people who don’t care about writing.
  3. “Oh, does that mean I can read it?”
  4. “No, first drafts are shit!”
  5. Relax.
  6. Think about all the terrible mistakes you know are waiting to be edited out.
  7. Freak out a bit.
  8. Try to relax again.
  9. Fail.
  10. Give up on writing.
  11. “Um, but didn’t you just say that all first drafts are shit?”
  12. “This is extra shit! Steaming shit! I should never write anything again!”
  13. Get a new idea.
  14. Outline it.
  15. Get excited about it.
  16. Write chapter one before feeling guilty about the novel you need to edit.
  17. “I thought you said you were never writing again?”
  18. “I lied. Isn’t this scene awesome? I’m writing about a pirate who travels through black matter and sings karaoke and steals diamonds to use as rocket fuel.”
  19. “Uh… right. You have at it, then.”
  20. Stall at chapter three.
  21. Remember you first novel.
  22. Open it back up.
  23. Read the first paragraph.
  24. Groan at the terrible errors.
  25. Stay up late into the night surface editing.
  26. “Are you planning to recycle all that?” your significant other asks, looking at the stack of paper next to you.
  27. “Oh… no. These are my editing notes.”
  28. “So you are writing again?”
  29. “STOP QUESTIONING MY LIFE CHOICES.”
  30. Tell your writing group.
  31. Smile like crazy because they are the most awesome people. (Note: If you don’t have a writing group, I suggest joining the NaNoWriMo group on Facebook. Even if you don’t do NaNoWriMo. They’re great.)
  32. Tell your mother.
  33. “Does this one have sex scenes too?”
  34. “Um… yes.”
  35. *sigh* “We can’t let your grandfather read this one either…”
  36. Remember the terrible sex scenes in your novel.
  37. Read them.
  38. Cry again.
  39. Buck up and ask your significant other for a practical lesson.
  40. “No really, it’s for research! We have to!”
  41. “You should write more books…”
  42. Write a list instead of editing.
  43. Write a list instead of planning your next novel.
  44. Write a list instead of doing homework.
  45. They can be different lists.
  46. Go to CreateSpace and create a profile for your book.
  47. Even though it’s not even a second draft.
  48. And you don’t know if you’ll self-publish.
  49. Decide that you need to establish yourself as an author.
  50. Start blogging about it.
  51. “Oh, when’s your book coming out?”
  52. “Um, what book? Untitled hasn’t even been edited yet. My main character’s sister is still named PICKLE.”
  53. Attempt to explain poor PICKLE’s tragic backstory while keeping a straight face and still calling her PICKLE.
  54. While explaining it, realize you wrote a plot hole.
  55. Rush home and open your novel.
  56. Rewrite the scene, kill off PICKLE.
  57. No one likes pickles anyways.
  58. Find the motivation to finish editing your first draft.
  59. Think you’re done.
  60. Don’t hear the experienced writers laughing at you from behind their computers.
  61. “You can read my novel now!”
  62. “Um, there are a lot of problems. Your main character either has two dads AND a mom or a dad with two names, you don’t explain how the killer escaped the first time, and there were a ton of typos.”
  63. “Noooooooooooooooooooooo. Second drafts are also shit? That’s not right! I’m a terrible writer!”
  64. *gives some space*
  65. Complain online that you will never be a real writer.
  66. Be virtually slapped by someone more experienced.
  67. Buck up and continue writing, get all the way to chapter seven of your new novel.
  68. Stall again.
  69. Go back to your first novel.
  70. Read through it again.
  71. Rearrange things.
  72. Put in more character detail.
  73. Take out irrelevant scene detail.
  74. Make your characters more consistent.
  75. Correct Microsoft Word once again about your character Wren not having a grammatically incorrect name.
  76. Realize that you have a third draft.
  77. Push it aside for a while, remembering last time.
  78. Realize that life can’t be writing 24/7.
  79. Take some time to relax with friends.
  80. “Honey, I finished your novel. I think I finally understand, the princess loves the king, but then the prince was under a love spell so he wanted to save the princess from the king, but the princess didn’t really need saving-”
  81. “Mom, I took out that subplot ages ago. Here’s the newest draft. There are dragons this time.”
  82. Crack your novel open one more time.
  83. Edit again.
  84. Then double-check for errors.
  85. Go to your writer group and look for beta readers.
  86. Contact lots of them.
  87. Send out lots of copies of your novel.
  88. Get two critiques back.
  89. First one: “The pacing was too slow.”
  90. Second one: “The pacing was too fast.”
  91. Explode.
  92. Take it with a grain of salt, rewrite problem areas.
  93. Edit again.
  94. For those with money, professional editor.
  95. For those who want to, submit to a publishing house.
  96. For those who don’t, self-publish.
  97. For those who want none of that publishing nonsense, post online for free.
  98. Advertise your book everywhere you can.
  99. Apologize to your significant other for everything you put them through.
  100. Start the process over again.

For those of you who disagree with my methods, what’s the first thing you’d do when finishing a first draft?

How Writing Changes Over Time

I had to download Libre Office to be able to open all my old files to make this post for you guys. Unfortunately, I don’t have anything from when I just started writing, because that stuff was seriously horrible. Here is a sample (that I’m going to make up right now) of how my writing looked in 5th grade:

My name is Beth Raymone. I’m 13 and I have long black hair. I like to wear bangs that cover my eyes because I’m a goth. I walk to the bus stop in a MCR t-shirt and see my friend Becky.

“Hi Becky!” I said.

“Hi Beth! I think the bus will be late.” She said. She was wearing a purple hoodie and torn black jeans. She had on a blue beanie and rings on every finger. She was 14, one year older than me, but we’d been friends our whole lives because our moms had been friends in high school.

“Probably.” I said.

“Let’s just skip school today.” She said.

“Alright, what do you want to do?” I said.

“I just got this letter from my dad.” She said. Becky had never met her dad. He left her mom before she was born. “He’s in a hospital dying of cancer. We should go visit him.”

And so on. I assure you, it was even worse than that.

Here is something I wrote in high school:

Abby was sitting in the common room, reading one of her favorite books, when she heard some noise coming from the hallway where the boy’s bathroom was located. Being a prefect, she sighed and closed her book, getting ready to go and break up whatever fight was currently starting. Abby had been a prefect since her freshman year, and after four years, she knew what to expect.

“Come on Logan! Where’s your smart mouth now?” Abby recognized one of the biggest troublemakers in the school, Blaze, holding a smaller boy against the wall so that his feet only brushed against the carpeted hallway floor.

“Get off of me you-” the boy was cut off with a punch to his gut.

She sighed loudly and began tapping her foot to let Blaze and the other two boys know of her presence. “Really boys?” she asked without a trace of humor on her face.

“Oh look, its little Abby Fairfield, the perfect prefect,” Blaze laughed loudly.

“And look, it’s Blaze Smith, the obnoxious little mommy‘s boy who is always getting in trouble. Mommy won‘t be too pleased to hear of your latest misdeed,” she replied with a cocky grin as his friends laughed at him.

Blaze’s face went red and he dropped the smaller boy. “Shut up you- you stupid little girl! Just because nobody likes you doesn’t mean you have to take it out on me,” she laughed along with his friends at his weak retort. Abby was one of the most popular girls in the school, and he knew it.

“Is that why you always talk about how much you love her hair?” the boy to Blaze’s left laughed. “And how you moan her name in your sleep?”

Blaze punched him on the shoulder and cursed at him. “You shut up too,” the boy on his right chuckled so he hit him too.

“Now why don’t you boys run along and try to stay out of trouble?” she waved her hand at them, as if trying to get rid of a bad smell, and they turned and walked down the hallway while muttering at her under their breath.

*Dies*

But seriously, it’s good to look back at that kind of stuff and be able to see how much you’ve improved. He’s a sample of my current WIP, Only in Whispers (formerly A Game of Madness):

“And he wasn’t too rough with you? I want to ensure that he is treating his possessions with respect.”

Wren bowed her head. “He behaved perfectly well. As you know, a lady doesn’t discuss such things.”

Lord Acton burst out laughing. “A lady? Is that what you call yourself?”

“She jests, my lord,” Collis said. She gave Wren a sharp look. Wren got the message. They were his playthings, not his equals. She knew as much. She just couldn’t reveal that Ferran would find no pleasure in her. She’d likely to be passed on to Cordell.

“Ah, a sharp sense of humor you have, little bird,” Lord Acton said. He smiled at her. “Has Ferran told you anything about me?”

“No, nothing at all. He’s barely said a word to me,” Wren said. Lord Acton raised his eyebrow at her. “We’ve been too busy for talking, you see.”

Lord Acton let out another long laugh. “Not such a lady now, are we?” He took a sip of wine. “And you, what of my brother? Has he anything to say about his Lord?”

“No, my lord,” Collis said. “Nothing but good things. He is happy with your command of Castle Sol.”

Lord Acton continued trying to talk about Ferran and Rozen, but he finally realized that the girls had nothing interesting to say about the subjects. He moved on to talk of how his lands had not been so prosperous that year. Wren and Collis listened as Lord Acton went on for hours about his land and the landholders around him. By the end of it, Wren could name each and every farmer who worked the land around the castle, but she still didn’t know what Lord Acton wanted with them. Had he gotten bored with his usual girls?

“My lord, it’s time for supper,” a servant said, appearing in the doorway. Servants had been in and out to refill the pitcher of wine twice. Wren and Collis had only sipped from their glasses, never refilling them even once. Wren didn’t know how Lord Acton wasn’t yet drunk from it all; or better yet, passed out and snoring in his luxurious chair.

“Off with you whores,” Acton said, waving them away. “Bring me my food, I have no wish to dine with the others. Bring me the purple whore to feed them to me. I don’t want a scrap of clothing covering her magnificent breasts.”

Now, this is a first draft, but so were the others, so it’s a fair change. The first one was fifth grade, the second one was tenth grade, and the third one was present day. That’s a span of 11 years. If you ever despair about never being a good enough writer, look at some of your older stuff. If you have no older stuff, shut your mouth and keep writing!

How has your writing changed over the years?

I do not understand life

Sorry I haven’t been posting anything useful lately, but I’m just about to go back to school as well as release Kiss of The Fey, so I’ve got a lot going on. Last night I had a nightmare that I couldn’t pack everything I needed for school because my laundry kept magically appearing back in the washer and dryer and a peacock and a hedgehog were harassing me every time I went to the bathroom.

But anyways, I still have time to post this WTF moment.

no

I just don’t know anymore. I just don’t know. Like, what is life? I want to work at Google and just sit there looking at the shit people type into the search engine. Fun times, that.