I should write porn.

porn

I would get so many hits. I mean, I write very mild erotica, but that’s not enough. I need to write picture videos. I just love picture videos. And in HD!

So, how about a funny story that has to relevance to anything? At work we’re getting ready to shut down for a remodel and so everyone is talking about which of the other two stores they’re going to transfer to. The two managers were talking about store 2 and the one manager mentioned, “God, Charity is there. I hate Charity.”

“Um, she got fired, didn’t you hear?” asked manager two.

“No. What for?”

“There was some scandal. Charity went up to this one black girl and asked if she could have a naked picture of her for her boyfriend,” said manager two.

I died.

Like, why wouldn’t you just Google that? Why would you ask someone? I guess the store is just lucky she didn’t go ask a customer for one, but still. That’s my story for the day. I hope you all are having a good one.

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I did what now?

whut

I don’t know who Alex is, but I promise I did not sleep with his/her husband. At least there’s no mention of incest in this one.

I AM DONE

nonono

 

I CAN’T. I put that into Google and looked for any post of mine in the first ten pages and there was nothing. Someone actually typed that into Google and went beyond ten pages looking for these pictures to (I assume) touch themselves to.

Beyond that, WHY WOULD SOMEONE LOOK THAT UP? Does it look different when i—-t children are born than when regular children are born? Like I know that the stereotype is that they’re super duper deformed and stuff, but they’re not like Golem or anything.

 

How I Visualize The Writing Process

2drawingexcerpt2Step One: You’re planning out your story. You’ve got it all in your heads. Some of the details are a little wonky, but that’s okay. You’ll fix that later. For now, you have a story.

 

titan-skeletonStep Two: Erm…. your story isn’t looking so great. You’ve written it, but it seems a little bare. You rushed some and forgot some stuff. Maybe rewrite everything up until chapter ten, and get rid of all those boring scenes about your MC making toast. Add some more action and make sure your characters shine with personality.

 

disturbing-anti-anorexia-ads-compare-starving-women-to-fashion-sketchesStep Three: Okay, so far so good. You’ve got a story. It makes sense. There are people who would be okay with reading it…. but why not keep editing? Give it all you’ve got! You know there are still typos in there and things that might not make that much sense. Don’t whine about it, just edit some more.

 
Kate UptonStep Four: Great job! Look at that shiny new story your have! It’s all edited and perfect! You’re sick to death of reading it, but it’s okay, because you’re done! Or… are you? Maybe take another look at it. Is this really what you want your story to be? Are your characters too perfect, do they never swear or sweat? Is it a teenage drama with no mention of a pimple where all the girls are smoking hot? Maybe you should do one more read through and see if there is anything you’d change.

 

rs_293x398-140321093512-634-kate-upton-vogue.ls.32114_copyStep Five: There you go. That’s something to be proud of. Now put a ring on it, put it on the shelf for a few years, and see if you still like it just as much in ten years.

**I own none of these pictures.

Stop Writing Gold, Start Writing Shit

Seriously. I urge you all to put down your pens (I’m kidding, I know we all use computers and spellcheck) and stop whatever great novel you’re writing. Throw it out and never look at it again. Forget everything about writing that you were ever told. Actually, turn off spellcheck too. Turn off all possible squiggly lines that might distract you from writing.

 sm

Now, come up with a super generic character. Just go down the checklist of Mary Sue characteristics and use everything there as the base for your character. She is super hot, but she doesn’t think so. All the boys love her even though she shows no interest in her. She is flat and lifeless and will make your readers want to stab her. Have the perfect character yet? Good. Moving on.

EL James

Now you need a love interest. Assuming your MC is a girl, the love interest has to be a boy. This is mainstream romance, people. Gay people don’t exist. Neither do transexuals, or people of color. Just straight white men throwing themselves at your MC. However, since your MC has so many men to chose from, your love interest has to be special. To make him special, we’re going to make him abusive. He’s going to stalk and harass and place ridiculous guidelines for your MC to follow. That makes him so super hot, right? You don’t even have to describe how attractive he is, just say “He’s, like, so hot” and your readers will just know.

nope

Next, you need a plot. Publishers want what sells, so you’ll need to write romance. There is no other genre, only romance. This means the entire story will be boring things between your MC and your love interest. Them talking about the love interest’s boring siblings. Making sandwiches together. Going from hating each other to loving each other in the same scene. Unrealistic make-out scenes. A pointless love triangle between your MC, the love interest, and some guy you know has absolutely no chance with the MC. (If you can’t come up with a plot, just steal all the characters and elements from a wildly successful young adult series and then change all the names.)

cat

Finally, you need to take that plot and stretch it out into at least three books. Four, if you can manage. Just throw in whatever scenes you can, they don’t have to make sense. Hell, none of it has to make sense. Just write the first crap that comes to mind and shove it on in there. Now you’ve got your gold.

grumpy

This all stems from this post about how some terrible One Direction fanfic is now being published. Also on that blog is an overview of each chapter and why it is horrible.  I have just given up on life, for the moment. I don’t even have time to write right now, but all I can think is “Oh, my writing is too good for publishing, maybe I should give up on punctuation!” I’m thinking of writing a fanfic of Obama’s family and make it so Mrs. Obama is having an affair with Kim Jong Whoever (you know who I’m talking about). That should get me some attention.

My Bookshelf: Beauty Queens

download

Title: Beauty Queens

Author: Libba Bray

Genre: Young Adult

Amazon summary:
“The fifty contestants in the Miss Teen Dream Pageant thought this was going to be a fun trip to the beach, where they could parade in their state-appropriate costumes and compete in front of the cameras. But sadly, their airplane had another idea, crashing on a desert island and leaving the survivors stranded with little food, little water, and practically no eyeliner. What’s a beauty queen to do? Continue to practice for the talent portion of the program – or wrestle snakes to the ground? Get a perfect tan – or learn to run wild? And what should happen when the sexy pirates show up?”

My summary:
These girls are all vapid airheads who want to wear pretty dresses, or so you’re led to believe. They crash together on an island they assume to be deserted, assuming that help will arrive at any time. When they realize they’ll need to depend on themselves to survive, they pull together and show that they’re more than just pretty faces and have more to say than just what’s on their pageant scripts. Add some boys, bad guys, and giant snakes, and you’ve got yourself a fun time.

Cheers (possible spoilers):

  • EVERYTHING. SERIOUSLY. I LOVED THIS BOOK.
  • If you are a girl, you need to read this book. If you don’t understand satire, you probably shouldn’t, but seriously.
  • It relies on stereotypes in the best way. To say “these girls are just stereotypes” is insulting to all girls. Is it stereotypical for a girl whose mother was married five times to not trust men? It is stereotypical for a girl to fear her sexuality because her parents taught her to? Is it stereotypical for a girl to be pressured to be the perfect girl to the point where she snaps because the system failed her?
  • Basically all issues concerning women today are in this book. You might have to read it twice to get it all, but it’s there. Advertisers shaming women to get them to buy their product to look better, girls being called bossy for having opinions, people always blaming girls’ moods on hormones like we have no valid emotions, and how girls are taught to fear their sexuality.
  • It’s funny as hell. Some of it is satire. You have to understand that the author was not trying to make this realistic. Of course beauty queens aren’t going to crash on a dessert island, be targets for international weapons smugglers, all find themselves at the same time, and meet pirates. But she wasn’t trying to be realistic. She was trying to make people think while enjoying the read, and that she did.

Jeers:

  • Literally the only thing is that I think some people are turned off from the book because of how ridiculous the whole thing is. It’s still amazing like that, but some of the reviews on Amazon complain about how unrealistic it is…. which is kind of the point. Like, Miss New Mexico has an airplane tray embedded in her head for the entire novel. I don’t know how she didn’t die.

Would I recommend it?:
Yes. Yes yes yes. Go buy it right now. I guess you might not like it as much if you don’t like the idea of women being independent creatures with thoughts and talents and the same rights as men, because part of why I like it so much is how many issues it hits on. Also, it seriously was funny as hell. Obviously outrageous, but funny. It even ends in a dance number. (Yeah, she ended the book with a dance number. Seriously. Is she allowed to do that?)

Amazon link:

http://www.amazon.com/Beauty-Queens-Libba-Bray/dp/0439895979/ref=cm_rdp_product

Madness

This is a haiku
Because I hate this dumb class
Like, fucking-a man

Powerpoint slides, *dies*
I am incredibly bored
I need a smart phone

Forty-five minutes
Of graphs and correlations
IVs, DVs… Ugh

Participation
It is graded, so I’m here
No other reason

8% of grade
It’s totally not worth it
This class is torture

Forty minutes left
Will he notice if I leave?
Just sink through the floor?

If you are reading this
I have probably passed on
To a better place

My pillow is great
But Professor keeps me here
My bed weeps for me

I could be sleeping
Or painting a masterpiece
Or robbing a bank

Thirty minutes left
The wind is blowing fiercely
But that is outside… 😦

I think he’s lying
He didn’t take attendance
I could’ve just skipped

Professor comes near
Quick! Hide all evidence
Yes, I’m listening…

Is the fine worth it?
To pull the fire alarm?
I just won’t get caught

You! Girl who speaks now!
Shut your mouth, your question sucks
Brain cells crawling away…

Look, it’s a zebra!
Not really. I like zebras.
Stripe stripe stripe stripe HOOF!

I’ve put up a shield
In one ear and out the other?
No, I hear you not

Twenty minutes left
Endless agony and grief
Tetris would help me

Spiral, spiral, square
But what do the doodles mean??????
Negative pi- ELF!

Did you see the elf?
He just ran by in pink tights
No, I’m not on drugs….

So hungry, nom nom
I have eaten my finger
Desperate times, man!

Fifteen minutes left!
Marbles, marbles everywhere
Marbles should be pugs

My hair is slinkies
Not really, but I can dream
Hahaha, slinkies…

Stop staring at me!
Those beady eyes, that mean glare
Oh, it’s a trash can

I am a tea pot
Short and stout with a big knife
I can’t trust the scones!

Class, in summary
You all fail, epically fail!
Go be homeless now

I am almost free!
I shall make a break for it!
Anarchy!