How To Be The BEST Author Ever

So I’ve been an author for six months now and I think I can say without a doubt that I know everything there is to know about being an author. Since there is literally nothing left for me to learn, I’ve decided to be generous and share my vast knowledge with my lowly followers.

1. Stop reading!

Seriously, a lot of people will tell you to do the exact opposite, but don’t listen to them! Reading will only cloud your judgment and make your own novel worse. Do you want that to happen? NO. Not only that, but you might accidentally lift elements of that story and end up PLAGERIZING. You SERIOUSLY don’t want to do that, do you? And you waste so much time reading when you SHOULD be using that time for WRITING.

2. Make sure EVERYONE knows about your book!

Marketing is very important! If it’s not obvious that you have a book out when people visit your blog, you’re not going to sell any books! Make sure that there are AT LEAST three links to your book on every blog post, otherwise it’s like you don’t even have a book out. You should always ALWAYS always tell new followers/ commenters of your book and where you can find it. I like to use a copy/paste message with a link to my book on Amazon that I send to everyone who comments on, likes, or follows my blog! This is also a good idea on Twitter, to immediately tell new followers where to buy your book!

3.  Never accept a bad review!

Like I said, marketing is very important! If your book has bad reviews, no one is going to want to read them! You have to be aggressive and go after the bad reviewers, explaining how they’re wrong and telling them to either remove their bad review or change it to AT LEAST a four star review. NEVER accept a one or two star review. That’s career suicide!

4. Make up some Frequently Asked Questions to post an FAQ on your blog!

I understand that many of you starting out may not have enough fans to put together an FAQ, so you can just make some up! By acting like the questions you’re answering are asked a lot it will make it look like you’re more popular than you actually are and get people interested in you and your work!

5.  Always write for the market.

Being an author is a JOB. You’re in it for the money! If you write a book no one wants to read, you’ll end up under a bridge! ALWAYS write about whatever is currently trending. Right now, I’d suggest a vampire BDSM book!

6.  Make sure readers know what your main character looks like!

What is a story without a main character? NOTHING! Your readers NEED to know what your main character looks like, from the color of their eyes to that birthmark on their left buttock. The best way to do this is to open your book with your character looking in the mirror and describing everything they see! It’s both comprehensive and immediate, so your readers will start off knowing just what they look like down to the smallest details!

7. Don’t worry about consistency!

All you need is a good story. If your character loves lemons in chapter one but hates them in chapter ten, no one is going to notice! As long as the story goes on, it doesn’t matter if things are consistent as long as there is lots of action!

8. Make sure your story has an agenda!

You aren’t writing JUST to make money; your book has to SAY something! Whether it be about gay rights or abortion or feminist issues, make sure your book has a hidden agenda! Your book is useless if it just tells a story; it also needs an important lesson that will stick with your readers!

9. Don’t worry about your book cover!

You know the saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover”? It’s completely true! Readers don’t care what your covers look like, they’re only reading your description! Just look at these covers, and these books are published! [1] [2] [3] [4]

Alright, but in all seriousness, don’t listen to any of this advice. (Also, to be fair, books with terrible covers can sell [1] [2] but only if you already have a huge fan base and a bunch of books already out.)

How To Be Sarcastic

Those who care about the feelings of others need not apply.

Step One:

Start by adding comments like “Oh, really?” or “I never would have guessed!” after someone says something incredibly obvious. If the person does not realize that you are being sarcastic, continue making them explain whatever they have just told you while you listen with rapt attention.

Step Two:

Never give people a straight answer. If someone asks you how you feel after you broke your leg, for example, say something along the lines of “I feel spiffing! The doctors think that by next week I’ll be back on my feet and taming lions in no time!” The use of outdated language and over-the-top enthusiasm will ensure people that you are being completely sincere and are not at all insulting them.

Step Three:

Talk in a dead tone of voice. Never put any emphasis on a word unless issuing a direct insult. For example, “You wouldn’t believe how excited I am!” should be said in a flat voice, while “I can’t believe how interesting you are!” should have emphasis, so that even those with the thickest of skulls will realize that you are mocking them.

Step Four:

In the event of someone telling you that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, tell them that stupidity is the highest form of entertainment.

Step Five:

Tell people absolutely random shit. End the sentence with, “What do you think?” For example, if someone asks about the weather, reply with something along the lines of “It may be cloudy now, but I sense that a giant tornado will come and carry us to Oz where we may frolic in the sun with members of the lollipop guild. It’s going to rain, what do you think?”

Step Six:

Always use sarcasm in the presence of authority figures. This includes teachers, parents, bosses, and the police. For example, when asked if you were the one involved in hit and run case, reply with “No, of course it wasn’t me! His brains were all over my car, there was a positive ID on my license plate, and four witnesses saw me drive away, but it couldn’t have been me! I’m sure it was just someone who I happened to have all the above things in common with.”

Step Seven:

Once you have mastered the art of sarcasm, use it on a daily basis. Eventually, you will become so good at it that no one will ever be able to tell whether or not you’re being serious. For example, when your friend asks you about the game last night, and you reply that it was very exciting, your friend will roll your eyes and tell you not to be so goddamn sarcastic. What they won’t know is that you actually were excited about the game, and that you are just such a master that they’ll never know what you’re truly thinking.

Olé.

50 Shades of Train Wreck

cxChristian and I dance around the Ball Room gracefully. By some grace of God, I don’t trip, even when Christian twirls me in a spin.

“Are you enjoying yourself, Mrs. Grey?” Christian asks, looking to his mother, who sits in the corner. Exhibitionism is his newest fetish. I hated it, at first, but because it was in our contract, I found that I couldn’t stop it from happening.

Mrs. Grey, of course, declines to answer. Christian made her sign a contract as well. She signed it, thinking highly of her son, knowing he would never trick her, but now she must not speak of what she sees, and she’s legally bound to endure our show. He’s so romantic like that, my Christian. So loving.

Continue reading

Sometimes I forget how beautiful everything is

a beach

a beach

a dock

a dock

a path

a path

a bird

a bird

a wave

a wave

a seashell

a seashell

 

I took these up at Lake Erie the other day. I read so much sometimes that I come to appreciate the beautiful things that good authors have written down more than the actual beauties around me. I’ll read about the beautiful rainbow or the motley colors of court and forget that I’m really only looking at a black and white page, and then when I go outside and see how beautiful nature really is it’s like I’m seeing the colors for the first time.

In other news, I really love my camera. If only I happened to have a castle on hand, I could take pictures of the perfect cover art for my novel! I might still do that, just find whatever I decide to represent my novel on the cover and just take a million pictures of it until I’m satisfied. If it was a modern novel or some young adult romance I would have six amazing options to chose from already, but that’s not the case.

Here is the cover I think I’m going to go with:

snow 064

How to Get Your Novel Stolen in Three Easy Steps

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Have any of you ever received an email such as this one? If so, you’ve likely been in the same position as me. Your own work was stolen and published on Amazon in one way or another and Amazon dutifully replied that they would remove the work ASAP.

Well, in my case that was complete and utter bullshit.

If you look at the date of the email it was back in August. It also wasn’t the first email they had replied to. They promised multiple times that my novel would be taken down and that the matter was solved, always closing with “We trust this brings the matter to a close.” It would have brought the matter to a close if they’d actually taken my novel off the site, but they didn’t. I didn’t have the money for a lawyer, I didn’t think the person who posted the stolen novel had made any money off of it since I caught it so soon, and so I was really nothing to Amazon, wasn’t I? They had no real reason to do as they said.

I guess that I should maybe back up a bit. I don’t want the title of this post to be misleading, after all. To start with here are the three things you need to do to get your novel stolen.

  1. Write a novel. Be sure to work REALLY hard on it. I’m sorry for those of you who aren’t writers, but you can’t have your novel stolen if you haven’t written one yet. (The good news is that you can have your car stolen at any time so you don’t need to worry about missing out in the overall experience.)
  2. Post it somewhere online. My personal suggestion is FIctionPress.com as that was where I had my novel stolen, but you can use WordPress, Storywrite, Quizilla, Wattpad; any of them would work.
  3. Just sit back and relax. It shouldn’t take too long for an unscrupulous individual to come along and lift your novel word for word before publishing it on Amazon along with 14 or 15 other pieces that were clearly stolen. Don’t worry, though. All those character names you worked hard on to make sure they fit your story? Yeah, they’ll replace those with really bad sounding names. In that regard, your story is safe.

You can just bookmark this page and come back to it once your novel has been stolen. Afterwards, you can go on a wild goose-hunt on the Amazon website trying to find the correct link to report copyright infringement. I can’t give you advice for how to do this because between the first few times I reported my stolen novel and the last few times they changed how you report it. Or at least they said they did. You never know with those tricksy copyright agents.

Once that’s all done you’ll have 4-7 months to complain to everyone you’re close to about how a novel you wrote ended up for sale on Amazon. Admittedly, anyone who doesn’t write isn’t going to know why this is a big deal so your best bet might be to join a Facebook group or something. Maybe your local librarians will hear you out.

Finally, for those of you who don’t speak copyright agent, I’ve translated the letter above to more accurately reflect what they were trying to say.

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Hope that clears everything up. As a note, not everyone will get as much fun from this experience. Most of the other novels that were reported stolen were taken down within the 2-3 day period. I had every bit of evidence possible that my novel was indeed mine and they kept sending these “Yes we’re taking it down” letters. I have no clue why it took from July to January to finally take it down. I hope anyone in the same position has better luck than me.