How To Be The BEST Author Ever

So I’ve been an author for six months now and I think I can say without a doubt that I know everything there is to know about being an author. Since there is literally nothing left for me to learn, I’ve decided to be generous and share my vast knowledge with my lowly followers.

1. Stop reading!

Seriously, a lot of people will tell you to do the exact opposite, but don’t listen to them! Reading will only cloud your judgment and make your own novel worse. Do you want that to happen? NO. Not only that, but you might accidentally lift elements of that story and end up PLAGERIZING. You SERIOUSLY don’t want to do that, do you? And you waste so much time reading when you SHOULD be using that time for WRITING.

2. Make sure EVERYONE knows about your book!

Marketing is very important! If it’s not obvious that you have a book out when people visit your blog, you’re not going to sell any books! Make sure that there are AT LEAST three links to your book on every blog post, otherwise it’s like you don’t even have a book out. You should always ALWAYS always tell new followers/ commenters of your book and where you can find it. I like to use a copy/paste message with a link to my book on Amazon that I send to everyone who comments on, likes, or follows my blog! This is also a good idea on Twitter, to immediately tell new followers where to buy your book!

3.  Never accept a bad review!

Like I said, marketing is very important! If your book has bad reviews, no one is going to want to read them! You have to be aggressive and go after the bad reviewers, explaining how they’re wrong and telling them to either remove their bad review or change it to AT LEAST a four star review. NEVER accept a one or two star review. That’s career suicide!

4. Make up some Frequently Asked Questions to post an FAQ on your blog!

I understand that many of you starting out may not have enough fans to put together an FAQ, so you can just make some up! By acting like the questions you’re answering are asked a lot it will make it look like you’re more popular than you actually are and get people interested in you and your work!

5.  Always write for the market.

Being an author is a JOB. You’re in it for the money! If you write a book no one wants to read, you’ll end up under a bridge! ALWAYS write about whatever is currently trending. Right now, I’d suggest a vampire BDSM book!

6.  Make sure readers know what your main character looks like!

What is a story without a main character? NOTHING! Your readers NEED to know what your main character looks like, from the color of their eyes to that birthmark on their left buttock. The best way to do this is to open your book with your character looking in the mirror and describing everything they see! It’s both comprehensive and immediate, so your readers will start off knowing just what they look like down to the smallest details!

7. Don’t worry about consistency!

All you need is a good story. If your character loves lemons in chapter one but hates them in chapter ten, no one is going to notice! As long as the story goes on, it doesn’t matter if things are consistent as long as there is lots of action!

8. Make sure your story has an agenda!

You aren’t writing JUST to make money; your book has to SAY something! Whether it be about gay rights or abortion or feminist issues, make sure your book has a hidden agenda! Your book is useless if it just tells a story; it also needs an important lesson that will stick with your readers!

9. Don’t worry about your book cover!

You know the saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover”? It’s completely true! Readers don’t care what your covers look like, they’re only reading your description! Just look at these covers, and these books are published! [1] [2] [3] [4]

Alright, but in all seriousness, don’t listen to any of this advice. (Also, to be fair, books with terrible covers can sell [1] [2] but only if you already have a huge fan base and a bunch of books already out.)

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My Bookshelf: I’ve Got Your Number

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Alright, this is not going to be done in my typical book review format. I got this book at Goodwill for maybe $0.50 or so while thrift shopping with my friend. The checkout girl saw it and was like, “Oh, if you read it and ever come back in here tell me if it was any good or not.”

I was like, “Sorry, I’m not from around here. I live in the woods. I have no idea where the fuck I am.”

She just laughed and thought I was like joking or dissing thrift shopping and was like, “Well if you ever do come back, be sure to tell me.”

So I got home and no one was home but my brother was planning to have friends over so I went to my room. I was bored and decided to start reading it because the blurb sounded interesting. And I finished it. Like without stopping for a pee break.

It was amazing. I’m not talking a literary revelation, but I absolutely love it and will be checking out the rest of this author’s work. It was funny and fun to read and romantic and suspenseful. I loved the characters and I just loved everything about it, really. I would recommend it to anyone.

Title: I’ve Got Your Number

Author: Sophie Kinsella

Amazon Summary:

“Poppy Wyatt has never felt luckier. She is about to marry her ideal man, Magnus Tavish, but in one afternoon her “happily ever after” begins to fall apart. Not only has she lost her engagement ring in a hotel fire drill, but in the panic that follows, her phone is stolen. As she paces shakily around the lobby, she spots an abandoned phone in a trash can. Finders keepers! Now she can leave a number for the hotel to contact her when they find her ring. Perfect!

Well, perfect except that the phone’s owner, businessman Sam Roxton, doesn’t agree. He wants his phone back and doesn’t appreciate Poppy reading his messages and wading into his personal life.

What ensues is a hilarious and unpredictable turn of events as Poppy and Sam increasingly upend each other’s lives through emails and text messages. As Poppy juggles wedding preparations, mysterious phone calls, and hiding her left hand from Magnus and his parents, she soon realizes that she is in for the biggest surprise of her life.”

Amazon link:

http://www.amazon.com/Ive-Got-Your-Number-Novel/dp/0385342071

 

My Bookshelf: Beauty Queens

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Title: Beauty Queens

Author: Libba Bray

Genre: Young Adult

Amazon summary:
“The fifty contestants in the Miss Teen Dream Pageant thought this was going to be a fun trip to the beach, where they could parade in their state-appropriate costumes and compete in front of the cameras. But sadly, their airplane had another idea, crashing on a desert island and leaving the survivors stranded with little food, little water, and practically no eyeliner. What’s a beauty queen to do? Continue to practice for the talent portion of the program – or wrestle snakes to the ground? Get a perfect tan – or learn to run wild? And what should happen when the sexy pirates show up?”

My summary:
These girls are all vapid airheads who want to wear pretty dresses, or so you’re led to believe. They crash together on an island they assume to be deserted, assuming that help will arrive at any time. When they realize they’ll need to depend on themselves to survive, they pull together and show that they’re more than just pretty faces and have more to say than just what’s on their pageant scripts. Add some boys, bad guys, and giant snakes, and you’ve got yourself a fun time.

Cheers (possible spoilers):

  • EVERYTHING. SERIOUSLY. I LOVED THIS BOOK.
  • If you are a girl, you need to read this book. If you don’t understand satire, you probably shouldn’t, but seriously.
  • It relies on stereotypes in the best way. To say “these girls are just stereotypes” is insulting to all girls. Is it stereotypical for a girl whose mother was married five times to not trust men? It is stereotypical for a girl to fear her sexuality because her parents taught her to? Is it stereotypical for a girl to be pressured to be the perfect girl to the point where she snaps because the system failed her?
  • Basically all issues concerning women today are in this book. You might have to read it twice to get it all, but it’s there. Advertisers shaming women to get them to buy their product to look better, girls being called bossy for having opinions, people always blaming girls’ moods on hormones like we have no valid emotions, and how girls are taught to fear their sexuality.
  • It’s funny as hell. Some of it is satire. You have to understand that the author was not trying to make this realistic. Of course beauty queens aren’t going to crash on a dessert island, be targets for international weapons smugglers, all find themselves at the same time, and meet pirates. But she wasn’t trying to be realistic. She was trying to make people think while enjoying the read, and that she did.

Jeers:

  • Literally the only thing is that I think some people are turned off from the book because of how ridiculous the whole thing is. It’s still amazing like that, but some of the reviews on Amazon complain about how unrealistic it is…. which is kind of the point. Like, Miss New Mexico has an airplane tray embedded in her head for the entire novel. I don’t know how she didn’t die.

Would I recommend it?:
Yes. Yes yes yes. Go buy it right now. I guess you might not like it as much if you don’t like the idea of women being independent creatures with thoughts and talents and the same rights as men, because part of why I like it so much is how many issues it hits on. Also, it seriously was funny as hell. Obviously outrageous, but funny. It even ends in a dance number. (Yeah, she ended the book with a dance number. Seriously. Is she allowed to do that?)

Amazon link:

http://www.amazon.com/Beauty-Queens-Libba-Bray/dp/0439895979/ref=cm_rdp_product