The Peelers

I was born for one purpose. My duty in life is to provide nourishment to the Peelers, to help fuel their lives by giving my own. My life was dark for some time, a flash of brightness before I and my brothers were taken away from our home. I don’t know how much time passed between then and now, but here I sit surrounded by my brothers waiting to be chosen, to be given my chance to live.

I am still a young creature, firm and green like my brothers. I know that now, in the Choosing Place, is a critical time for us. If we are allowed to age on these shelves, we will die uneaten. Our coats will rot and we will turn to slime and there will be only regret and despair until there is nothing more. Our lives will be a waste.

We are thrown carelessly into a basket by a Peeler, all of my brothers and I. I am filled with joy to know that we have passed this critical test. We circle the Choosing Place as distant cousins and foreign things are thrown into the basket next to us. We come to the Gates of Freedom in the Choosing Place and the Handler puts us in bags for the Peeler.

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Are you a blogger who cares about your readers?

This post is going to be short and to the point. Do you write so that others can read what you’ve done? Do you write so that you can share advice, art, or funny anecdotes with the world?

If so, you need to be able to communicate with your readers. This is imperative. WordPress doesn’t have a private messaging feature unless you use a plug-in (at least, not that I’m aware of, but I’ve only been on here for a few months). To talk to you, someone has to use a comment. However, what if they want to start a real conversation? What if they want to talk about something personal, or correct a matter without embarrassing you?

I know y’all have email, because you can’t make a WordPress blog without one. One option is just putting your email in your “About” section, but that’s opening it up to robots who scan pages looking for emails to send spam to. Instead, put in a contact form. This is super convenient for anyone who is signed into WordPress, because they don’t even have to fill anything out other than the comment. It’s super easy. Go add one now. Right now. In another tab. I’ll give you exactly three minutes, so don’t get sidetracked.

Alright, all done? I made one for myself as well. Bam. That took 30 seconds.

The best place for these is to put on your “About” page, but if you do book reviews it might be better to put it on that page instead. I’ve been going around trying to find people to review my book and I’ve seen a lot of blogs with no contact information. Someone had their Facebook up but no email or contact form, so I went to Facebook and awkwardly messaged them there. This forces people to comment when they would much rather email people. I don’t want people thinking that I’m spamming their profile, and in my opinion an email is a much better option for the people who want to ignore me.

Granted, this does mean that you’re going to have to check your email often. If you use your email for WordPress only and never check it, I suggest changing the email address for your account to the one you use most often and switching off all the notifications so that “Beanybabies21 liked your post” isn’t clogging up your inbox.

Alright, so that wasn’t as short as I originally intended it to be, so here’s a zucchini wearing a hat.

I wrote that before actually looking for the picture, but Google never disappoints.

I wrote that before actually looking for the picture, but Google never disappoints.

 

 

It’s a thing now

I’m just going to post all the bizzare search terms that people use to find my blog. According to Google translate, the highlighted item is in Russian. No, there is not Russian in my blog. I myself thought it was Greek, but in Russian it translates roughly to what I am assuming to be some weird Russian Googling for nephew/aunt incest porn.

whys

 

On an unrelated note, Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a fucking ridiculous movie. Seriously. Granted, the earlier ones were also silly, but this is beyond what I expected.