How to Write a Great Sex Scene

lol

Avoid the following.

 

“Like the lost catacombs of Egypt, only God knows where we stuck it.”

–Bloodhound Gang, “The Bad Touch”

 

“Squeeze me baby, til the juice runs down my leg”

–Led Zeppelin, “Lemon Song”

 

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

 

“Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

 

I’d forgotten this about her: she has the smallest, hottest mouth, as if she’s storing lava in her cheeks.

–Things to Make or Break by May-Lan Tan

 

They bucked like deer and squirmed like eels. And after that, vice-versa.

–Head of State by Andrew Marr

 

His penis found its way with no resistance, as if swallowed up into an airless vacuum.

–Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage by Haruki Murakami

 

“I’m going to make you cum tonight… (pause) over to my house.”

–B4-4, “Get Down”

 

Mandy looks at him with that face of hers and sighs. “Well that was my last cigarette you ruined, so you’re gonna have to entertain my now.” She using her finger and demands him to come closer. Billy cheeks turn red as he stands up and walks towards her. “Eat it like you would your yogurt.” Mandy then grabs his head and pushes him down.

This random fanfiction

 

This is fun‘ he gasps, resting his hands on her hips. ‘Glad you like it‘ she smiles, before bending down to him and kissing him lightly. She moves faster and faster and rocks harder and harder before coming in unison minutes later.

Another random fanfiction

 

…he makes me so hard I could hammer sponge into steel…

This is the most ridiculous thing

 

“Not until I say so boy.” Snape began to pound into Harry’s arse at a quicker pace than before and precisely hitting the spot-that-must-not-be-named. Harry’s hair continually flopped into his forehead as it became damp with sweat.

“Take me!” Snape need not do anything more than grabb the student by the cock and begin rubbing it down. “Ah!” Harry was caught off guard by the sudden pleasure and moaned a little too loudly.

the most amazing fanfiction ever

 

I am seriously dying from that last one. I just randomly picked fandoms on fanfiction.net and looked for rated “M” stories for these. I was like hmm, better include a Harry Potter one. So glad I did. The entire thing is that ridiculous.

I got the rest of the scenes randomly from the net from looking up terrible sex scenes/similes/metaphors.

I hope you’re all having a wonderful weekend.

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I did what now?

whut

I don’t know who Alex is, but I promise I did not sleep with his/her husband. At least there’s no mention of incest in this one.

It’s a thing now

I’m just going to post all the bizzare search terms that people use to find my blog. According to Google translate, the highlighted item is in Russian. No, there is not Russian in my blog. I myself thought it was Greek, but in Russian it translates roughly to what I am assuming to be some weird Russian Googling for nephew/aunt incest porn.

whys

 

On an unrelated note, Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a fucking ridiculous movie. Seriously. Granted, the earlier ones were also silly, but this is beyond what I expected.

What the hell?

CaptureThis is part of the list of terms that people used to find my blog. If you Google that, my blog is the first hit. It is not a sexual post, I promise you.

Has anyone else found super weird search terms that led people to their blog?